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From the wiles of a stranger
If one's own kin and kith
Were more fun to be with.

Ogden Nash
Key to Hell
Monday. 8.29.05 12:50 am
By the gods, where is the Key to Hell?!


Caz Marciniak


How has it evaded my grasp for so long? Surely someone must know where it lies! O, to have the Key to the fiery pits of Hell swinging from my neck! My skin shivers with delight at the very thought.

I have hacked my way through the cruel forests of Novaya Zemlya. Crawled across the forgotten desert of Taklamakan. Journeyed across the river of Hades.

All to no avail. For the Key has not been made mine.

Does anyone (mortal or otherwise) possess knowledge of how one might go about obtaining this great treasure? That is, save actually striking a bargain with the Kings of Hell - I'm quite attached to my soul.

Name your price.

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9 Comments.


Personally I don’t think it is wise to ever bargain with the devil. And why bother about entrance to the land of the damned when heaven is far more appealing. However if the key was indeed that 'cool looking' I suppose I understand what the whole fuss was about.
» CONDESCENDme on 2005-08-28 04:04:23

key to hell?
i think it is the key.. to the chilly garden..
» davors (218.111.45.228) on 2005-08-28 09:26:52

If I remember correctly...
This hellish key was last scene by the gripper of ghouls, Namekili, inside the abyss of infinite darkness. When you are at the bottom of this abyss, you will meet 4 dogs of equal physique and cunning looks. Speak only to the 2nd dog from the right and talk only in 2-4 syllable words. He will guide you to the nexus beyond Kean, or known to the baboons as Kali-ilak-manjabi. There, under a brook as red as the sky and as blue as the waves of Tituris, the young man who sold the world to Jsbu in 3984 BC, you will need to sit on a pile of refugees without them noticing your presence for 12 hours. Next, find the Spanish turkey with no wings and 3 faces. Eat it while it is bathing in the urine of Pene and do not defecate for at least 4 days. When you finally do, make sure to keep your feces in a bag made from anaconda skin for it is magical and filled with ababanaja. The bag will begin to glow and you wil discover that your precious feces has transformed into a shell of nitrogen. Crack open the shell to discover the truth of untold secrecy, which will guide your pysche to the key you seek.
» Papagoya on 2005-08-28 09:52:31

Re method of obtaining the key to hell...
» KatnicityAnnToTheMax on 2005-08-30 08:01:58

:( didn't finish...
sounds like too much hard work.
» KatnicityAnnToTheMax on 2005-08-30 08:02:59

Uh.... Thanks?
» Caz Marciniak (72.196.101.230) on 2007-06-28 12:38:43

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» Heriberto (195.45.72.122) on 2011-07-10 02:55:51

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